How long does it take to get to the new Ikea in Brooklyn by water taxi? About 4 hours from downtown Manhattan. Here are directions:
Start by leaving your office at 12:30 without double checking the directions you're sure you memorized 4 days earlier. Stop by Subway for some fast nourishment, then get on the wrong train going downtown. Transfer to what you are sure is the right train, and get off at what you are sure is the wrong stop but what is actually the right stop. Ask the booth agent where the water taxi to Ikea is, then ignore his instructions, waving him off as a silly booth agent who didn't sound too sure.
Start off in the wrong direction on foot, but be sure that you are going the right way, since it is opposite to what the man told you. Call you harried husband, but only if your phone is thisclose to out of batteries. It's very important that your phone runs out of battery just as he says, "Oh, here we go." Walk up to a map, justify what you think you remember, and continue in the wrong direction.
Find what must be the last remaining phone booth in Manhattan and fish around for a quarter. Apply the quarter. When it tells you "For 911 only" hang up and grab the phone next to it. Laugh with a side of fear at your own silliness when the phone shocks you because you didn't look at the receiver, which is missing the top and has exposed wiring sticking wildly out. Proceed all the way to the West Side Highway, on the footbridge over the WTC site which is swarming with tourists. Tsk and shake your head at the exploitation of such a disaster and continue along your way. Wonder a little if maybe you are going the wrong way.
Go inside a giant building, and consider asking the information man directions. Pooh-pooh this idea and continue along your path. See the sign for the 2/3 train, which is the one thing you know is right, and feel confident. Walk up the river park to the water taxi (this is about 12 blocks, but it looks much closer) and go in where you see the water taxi departing. Check the map before you talk to the ticket agent, and discover that you are, indeed, on the wrong side of the island. Feel free to curse under your breath.
Make your way back out, looking for a taxi. You will find one once you are halfway back across the island. It helps if you harrass the driver a little, telling him "The water taxi is on the WEST side! No, no, I mean the EAST side." Be sure to tip him well when he drops you off exactly in front of the water taxi, 3 blocks from where you asked the subway booth agent where to go.
Since you are now a little uncertain, find a sign that says "IKEA" and then find a free bench and sit down for a spell. Put your iPod on as loud as you can without disturbing those around you. Dig into a good book, and don't look up.
After 30 minutes or so, ask the big guy guarding the entrance this question: "Do I have to be in line?" and then swear again when he says yes. Ask what time the next boat goes, and when he says "in 20 minutes, but the back of the line won't make that one." Try to bat your eyelashes, even though you are a little haggard by now. Do not be mad when he tells you he made an announcement to the other people on the bench, but you didn't hear him because Love and Rockets was overtaking his booming voice. It's not his fault. Make your way to the back of the line. Do not think of all the people you COULD have been in front of.
Walk briskly and look hopeful as the line moves forward. Do not curse anymore when the line stops and you get stuck in between benches. Wait patiently for 40 more minutes, board the taxi, enjoy the view, walk 3/4 of a mile, and enter Ikea. Forget what you came for.
All's well that ends well: While wrapping my purchases in twine, I met two darling Starbucks employees who both happened to live in my 'hood. We shared a taxi home for $12 each. They had almost as bad a time as I did, plus I heard the best/worst drink ever: 2 shots of decaf, 1/2 shot of regular with steamed skim milk and whole milk foam. If you're out there, crazy mix 'n' match lady, take heed. The cute Starbucks girls hate you.
But not as much as I hate going to Brooklyn.
